Bump in The Night
My gut instinct is monsters. But, we all know that isn’t the case. Real adult life shit, that’s what keeps me up. Which, I know - you’re probably rolling your eyes and thinking “duh”. But, it’s the truth. My worries, might not be your worries and vice versa. I think it’s all relative to what season you’re in, in your life. Things that keep me up this month, will not keep me up in 6 months.
To preface this entire conversation, I suffer from anxiety and worry-wart-ness. Which, to some is one in the same. To me, they are somewhat separated. I can worry about something, but it doesn’t give me the knot in my chest, can’t breathe feeling that my anxiety gives me. So; again, these things may seem small or big; but they always rotate and they aren’t in any specific order.
My job - My job 100% keeps me up at night. Why? Because I hate failing and I hate leaving something undone. I’m in sales; so, there is always that thought in the back of my mind of; can I have done more today, or did I reach out to the right amount of people, did I convey XYZ message correctly to my client. There is always a large growth number that you need to hit and always more that can be done. It got so bad that my husband caught me doing presentations in my sleep. Ya, that was crazy. If you remember my earlier post (HERE), then you know I’m reframing my mindset and its started to help, but I’m not perfect.
Baby girl - Ya’ll this is no joke. My mom would tell me “wait until you have kids, then you will never stop worrying” Man, I wanted her to be wrong soooo bad. She wasn’t. I worry if she’s eaten enough, if she’s given enough attention, too much attention, did I teach her something today, was it a bad habit. Then the real deep stuff comes, is she going to get sick in a few years, what would I ever do if she did - just writing about this gives me a slight panic attack. I can’t imagine this. I know I’m supposed to live in the moment, but damn - its hard not to think that deep and go down that dark rabbit hole. But, what she is right now, healthy and happy.
Baby Number Two - If you’ve been following for awhile, you know this is the great debate of 2018. I go back and forth about this one all the time. I feel like I could write an entire post about it. But, real talk this is why I’m hesitant:
Being Pregnant - my first one was really tough, I was sick, preterm labor - all the things. I know “each pregnancy is different”; but fun fact: I’ve only had one and thats the experience I know.
Getting “Fat” - Yup, I said it. I’ve worked my butt off (literally, with some perkiness added back) and I know I could do it again and I welcome that challenge; but damn…Also, it’s not the getting fat as much as will I have the time to lose the weight? I’m already strapped for time. I’m also a big proponent of “You Make Time For What’s Important”; but, damn…(again)
Energy - at the end of the day I’m exhausted beyond belief with one kid. I can only imagine an active toddler with a non-sleeping baby…and work. Like how am I supposed to survive?
Being Present - I feel like my attention is always spread so thin; that I’m worried I won’t be able to be fully present with all the things in my life. I have a demanding job, a toddler, a husband…how?
Money - I have champagne taste; but like the most expensive bottle type of champagne taste. I always worry about having enough money to do the things I want to do. It’s not always material. For example: will I be able to take baby girl on a wonderful trip and not worry about it? Will she get to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer? Will I be able to buy her a car when she’s 16? Will I be able to give her the opportunity to go to college without any student loan debt (like my parents so graciously did for me)? Then of course, there is some material things in there too. Now, before everyone rips me a new one…I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting nice things in life; should you go into massive credit card debt to have them, no. But, if you work hard and want a nice YSL bag and you’re able to do that and still put food on the table…then do it.
My To-Do List: This honestly, is one of the biggest things that keep me up. It’s so strange; but, I’ve always been the one that has to think of all scenarios in any given situation. I go through each line item and think of the possibilities and when they will be completed. From all that thinking…my list grows because other things pop up during the thought process. It’s a vicious cycle. I even started writing it down at the end of the day. But, of course, more pop up at night.
Having it all - I want it all. I want joy, a healthy baby, a happy husband, success, sleep, work/life balance, travel; etc. I want it all and I don’t want to apologize for it. So, the “how” I’m going to do that, it keeps me up. My drive and motivation for it all, keeps me up. I go through the reasons on why people generally say why you can’t have it all. I understand that some things aren’t always perfect and together…but, it doesn’t mean that you’re not having it all.
There you have it…a long list of things that keep me up at night. This is the season I am in life and the things that stress me out all night long. I could easily write a blog post on each of these things in extreme detail; so, if you’re curious about them let me know.
Regardless, If you asked me this 6 months ago, 2 of these things would be changed with 2 completely different things. I wish I didn’t have this overwhelming stress in my life that keeps me up - but, that’s how I’m wired. I do think that these things keep me motivated and driven to be the best me I can. But, on the other hand…I really like sleep.
What keeps you up at night? Share in the comment below.