It Wasn't Love At First Sight
As mentioned in my Instagram post (follow me @audra_elise), this is something that I've been wanting to write for a while now; but, some might find hard to read, some might feel the exact same way or some might think I'm a horrible person. Honestly, all of those emotions I'm totally OK with. As promised in the start of my blog, I told you I would be real and honest - so, this is my truth.
I knew I wanted to be a mom; but I never had this burning desire to have a baby my entire life. I knew it would happen eventually and I didn't want to rush it. I knew that I wanted to have a mini me; to conquer the world and also gift the world another sassy...me. You're welcome. But when talks started getting serious with my husband, I started getting nervous and then my ovaries starting quivering and I knew it was time for a babe. I got pregnant and its this weird, surreal moment, you have a life growing inside of you and it doesn't quite seem normal. Towards the end of the pregnancy; I was like..."get this baby out of me!" Which I'm sure every woman is/was like.
Again, if you're an avid reader of my blog, you know the back story to a lot of this pregnancy jazz and I don't need to elaborate.
Once, baby girl popped out - I was in shock. I knew that I loved her; but not that overwhelming bit of love that people tell you, you should feel. Here you have this tiny, helpless human, that is screaming and you're like...cool - what is that? I had her lay on my chest and it was weirdly, sweet. After reading blogs, doing new mom research and talking with friends - I felt horrible that I didn't feel this overwhelming love for this baby. I remember vividly, looking at Instagram stories, and movies (which we all know both of those things are so real - eye roll). But, you have this guilt that when your baby pops out and you're not overly in love with it that you're a horrible person. Hence, why I've been a little nervous to write this post. But, I think this emotion is real and many mothers experience it.
Overindulging in the social media world made me feel horrible that I didn't have this "i'm going to squeeze you so much I love you so hard" feeling towards my baby. Honestly, it took me 4-ish months to get there. Every day my love grew for her, every day she would give me something in return (even if it was a big, fat poop). But, as the days progressed and I started getting in the groove - my love for her grew.
I'm not sure if this underwhelming, intense love for her didn't come to me so fast because of who I am as a person, or if it was the awful hormones or if that feeling was completely normal. What I do know, is that I loved her enough that the Mama Bear instinct was always on; but, not to where I am today. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that my whole world was rocked and I didn't have my normal routine anymore and here I had this baby that was crying, pooping, not sleeping and sucking (pumping) every ounce of everything out of me...I didn't know who I was anymore and maybe there was some resentment? Tossing that all into a ball of raging hormones, doesn't usually help a situation.
Its funny to read this while writing it and I laugh at the fact that I ever felt that way. If you would've told me on the drive home from the hospital that I would jump into the crib with her to snuggle her, that I would be running across the room to squeeze her little cheeks and give them a kiss, that I would jump up and down just to hear her sweet little giggles - I probably would've laughed in your face and also cried in denial. At this moment in time, I have that incredible, overwhelming love for this precious, perfect angel - this feeling is what I expected after birth and that feeling I did not have.
All in all, I wanted to share that I had a not-so-in love feeling with baby girl after birth, that feeling that everyone either plays off in having or maybe they truly have it. But, if you're like me - know that you're not alone, that you're not a horrible person and that what you do in the months following and the love you have for your baby now; is what counts and is what matters. Don't beat yourself up. When you love, love hard.