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Hi.

Welcome to my blog. This is where I express my life as a new mom, my obsession with biscuits, my love for fitness, travel and all things life. Hope you enjoy!

It Wasn't Love At First Sight

It Wasn't Love At First Sight

As mentioned in my Instagram post (follow me @audra_elise), this is something that I've been wanting to write for a while now; but, some might find hard to read, some might feel the exact same way or some might think I'm a horrible person. Honestly, all of those emotions I'm totally OK with. As promised in the start of my blog, I told you I would  be real and honest - so, this is my truth. 

I knew I wanted to be a mom; but I never had this burning desire to have a baby my entire life. I knew it would happen eventually and I didn't want to rush it. I knew that I wanted to have a mini me; to conquer the world and also gift the world  another sassy...me. You're welcome. But when talks started getting serious with my husband, I started getting nervous and then my ovaries starting quivering and I knew it was time for a babe.  I got pregnant and its this weird, surreal moment, you have a life growing inside of you and it doesn't quite seem normal. Towards the end of the pregnancy;  I was like..."get this baby out of me!" Which I'm sure every woman is/was like. 

Again, if you're an avid reader of my blog, you know the back story to a lot of this pregnancy jazz and I don't need to elaborate. 

Once, baby girl popped out - I was in shock. I knew that I loved her; but not that overwhelming bit of love that people tell you, you should feel. Here you have this tiny, helpless human, that is screaming and you're like...cool - what is that? I had her lay on my chest and it was weirdly, sweet. After reading blogs, doing new mom research and talking with friends - I felt horrible that I didn't feel this overwhelming love for this baby. I remember vividly, looking at Instagram stories, and movies (which we all know both of those things are so real - eye roll). But, you have this guilt that when your baby pops out and you're not overly in love with it that you're a horrible person. Hence, why I've been a little nervous to write this post. But, I think this emotion is real and many mothers experience it. 

Overindulging in the social media world made me feel horrible that I didn't have this "i'm going to squeeze you so much I love you so hard" feeling towards my baby. Honestly, it took me 4-ish months to get there. Every day my love grew for her, every day she would give me something in return (even if it was a big, fat poop). But, as the days progressed and I started getting in the groove - my love for her grew. 

I'm not sure if this underwhelming, intense love for her didn't come to me so fast because of who I am as a person, or if it was the awful hormones or if that feeling was completely normal. What I do know, is that I loved her enough that the Mama Bear instinct was always on; but, not to where I am today. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that my whole world was rocked and I didn't have my normal routine anymore and here I had this baby that was crying, pooping, not sleeping and sucking (pumping) every ounce of everything out of me...I didn't know who I was anymore and maybe there was some resentment? Tossing that all into a ball of raging hormones, doesn't usually help a situation. 

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Its funny to read this while writing it and I laugh at the fact that I ever felt that way. If you would've told me on the drive home from the hospital that I would jump into the crib with her to snuggle her, that I would be running across the room to squeeze her little cheeks and give them a kiss, that I would jump up and down just to hear her sweet little giggles - I probably would've laughed in your face and also cried in denial. At this moment in time, I have that incredible, overwhelming love for this precious, perfect angel - this feeling is what I expected after birth and that feeling I did not have. 

All in all, I wanted to share that I had a not-so-in love feeling with baby girl after birth, that feeling that everyone either plays off in having or maybe they truly have it. But, if you're like me - know that you're not alone, that you're not a horrible person and that what you do in the months following and the love you have for your baby now; is what counts and is what matters. Don't beat yourself up. When you love, love hard. 

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